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The Amalgamut's Journal

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26th January 2005

3:19am: can you hear me?
What Do I Have To Do?

You make it hard to breathe
It's as if I'm suffocating
And when you're next to me
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin
It makes me sad to think
This all could be for nothing
I wish there was a way
For you to see inside of me
I've never felt this way
About anyone or anything
Tell me

What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
And, if I can't make you want me
What do I have to do?

I know exactly what you're thinking
But I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
That was a part of me that never made me proud
Right now I think I would try anything
Anything at all to keep you satisfied
God I hope you see what loving you would do to me
All I want is one more chance, so tell me...
What do I have to do to make you love me?
Current Mood: listless

25th October 2003

12:21pm: do you think we could stop?
Here we are the two of us together
Taking this crazy chance to be all alone
we both know that we should not be together,
cause if they found out
it could mess up, both our happy homes.

I hate to think about us all meeting up together,
as soon as I looked at you it would show on my face.
Then they'll know that we've been loving each other.
They can never no, oh no, we can't leave a trace.

Secret Lovers that's what we are, we shouldn't be together
but we can't let it go, oh no, cause we love each other so.

Sittin at home I do nothing all day
but think about you and hope that your ok.
Hoping you'll call before anyone gets home
I'll wait anxiously, alone...by the phone.

How could something so wrong be so right.
I wish we didn't have to keep our love out of sight
Living two lives just ain't easy at all
but we gotta hang on and after fall.

Secret lovers that's what we are
trying so hard to hide the way we feel
cause we both belong to someone else
but we can't let it go, cause what we feel is oh so real
so real....so real...

You and me, are we fair
is this cruel, or do we care.
can they tell what's in our minds
maybe they've had secret love all of the time

In the middle of makin love we notice the time
we both get nervous cause it's way after nine.
Even though we hate it, we know it's time that we go
we gotta be careful, so that no one will know.

Secret lovers, that's what we are,
trying so hard to hide the way we feel,
cause we both belong to someone else,
but we can't let it go
cause what we feel is oh so real
so real...so real....so real....so real!
Current Mood: horny

11th September 2003

11:39pm: when i think about you i touch myself

. . . people always want what they can't have . . .

Current Mood: horny

4th September 2003

6:19pm: Sometimes...
i get urges...i get more urges than you can count on your feetes and your hands...i feel it start in teh back of my head...it then starts down my spine...it tickles...it excites...about the time it reaches the deep...pictures are flowing in my head to and fro...hither and thither...thinner...thinner...i feel the grasp slowly start to slip...i feel the old ways return...i feel my old shadows want and need...then I WANT AND NEED...blistered and scabbed teary eyed monster weeps for that touch...that harsh flesh...that stone heart...that hard humid hole...steam....dream machine...fel the isolated track spill out milky addiction...the puncture wound gaping...open closed...open closed...mouthing it's obscene lusts...the desert toung come out laps at the air...mind burst micro burst...shiver runs down the skull...tiny exploses of neuro-pleasure...no chemicals...nobody touching...audio stimulation...visual cut out...static...screen tuned to a dead channel...zoom in...close in...focus...focus...almost there...al...most...there...........*drop dead*
Current Mood: horny

3rd September 2003

9:52am: gotta cut away, clear away... snip away and sever this...
it really annoys me to no end how many people in this world are hooked on the internet. it's the wave of the future! we do everything on here! and i don't have to list it all because we know!

it disappoints me how people get too involved in it though. they think this is the only outlet to friendships and other relationships. but maybe if they stepped outside and breathed in the fresh air, maybe, just maybe, they might find the friends (lovers) they have been looking for. as i'm saying this, i realize that i too am addicted to cyberspace, however i know where to draw the line.

i can't change anybody's views and their lifestyles, so i just sit back, look and listen to the horror stories of the net and how much it angers/depresses them. does it effect me at all? no, not really... it's interesting stories, but i am one to choose NOT to get myself involved in any of that. you were the one that got yourself into this deep hole, and it appears that you rather wither away in desolation rather than crawl out and be reborn again. let go. i fear that you will always be stuck in this cycle, and it's been like this for many years... but no one is brave enough, blunt enough to tell you this.

you say that you are alone, no one is here for you, and the only way to get through the day sane is to have this interaction with adults on the net... but they live this way and that... anywhere near you? and you get upset over these people you have never even met, yet all you know is what they tell you... and you believe them? what happened when you did? watch your back... trust no one. there are those out there that are sincere and truthful, but i have found that we all lie in our own little way. you really think that some people actually carry on being themselves on the internet? it happens rarely...

and then i noticed how much you are in pain over this. people come and people go. it's hard to say goodbye, but there are others... REAL people that care about you, they are right there next to you in the flesh... don't turn your back on them. they need you just as much as you need them.

and yes, there are the select few in your life that you hold dearly - that will always be there because of a strong connection you feel amongst each other. friends are good to have, but then i see you get all worried and sick over it all. at this point, it's time to heal yourself! if they really care for you like they said they did, this is what they would want for you - to live on, even if they are not there. they are still breathing, it's time you did the same and move on. it's difficult, but you need to do this for yourself.

Current Mood: annoyed

2nd September 2003

1:48pm: My Own Piece of Cyberspace
weird being here when no one really knows me, but i thought that it might be cool to have a space of my own to let it all hang out - maybe get these voices out of my head. i hate them. every now and then i don't feel like myself. but maybe i can finally be me where no one even knows me, does that make sense?

diversity, variety, complexity... melt it and fuse it

i'm just being me...
Current Mood: nervous
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